I’ve found that it is rare that people are mature enough to have civil discussions and it not get out of hand. I’m not talking about negotiating. I’m speaking of someone does something you can no longer bear or are complained at by an individual.
There are two perspectives, one of the bitcher and the other the bitchee. We will address both with the goal of peace and order and the preservation of relationship.
With peace, order and the preservation of relationship as the goal we will guide our conflict with this in mind always. With peace, order and the preservation of relationship as the goal we will guide our conflict with this in mind always.
First the bitcher. Ok, the question is if and how. First should I bitch? Is it important, sinful, destructive, deceitful, and often? If it is it may be something to communicate. If not let it go.
If it is time to bitch do it concisely and do not make it personal. Here is an example: if someone is going through your stuff. You simply ask them to stay out of your things. You do not call them a thief.
They try to make excuses or get mad. Then you foolishly decide to engage and argue and now you are sinking in the quick sand and making the situation worse. Instead, when they get upset or begin the excuses, just let them know you are done and only wanted to communicate the offense and then you leave the heat. Oh, and use Inside voices….
If you are in a power position this is easier, because of the unsaid fact that it may cost them, if they continue the discussion. In most cases, they will stop and if not you may have to remind them of the potential ramifications.
To the bitchee; just be quiet and listen. Say “ok” or ask a question to understand. Be submissive. When you understand say “ok” and respond appropriately. Here is an example: Someone says to pick up your stuff and put it up. Say “ok” and do it. Do not drag your feet. You see, you should be embarrassed that you needed to be told, “Shame on you!” You really should apologize.
Now no one is perfect, we are all trying to get better at this. Say I did bitch and I was wrong….go apologize. Say, I was bitched at and I responded inappropriately….go apologize.
You can abuse by nitpicking or not being helpful or not being responsive to your responsibilities. These are all wrong.
A special note to those who have the power: Do not over use it, it is disgusting and not helpful.
I was renting an office. I left a door open on the building for a guy who was coming to see me. He wouldn’t have had access without it. He didn’t have a phone, and it was important to give him access since he was a drug addict. I didn’t want him to stray.
The owner, who I love and is a brother in Christ, jumped on me harshly! I could have got mad that he was abusive, but I was aiming toward peace. I was submissive, empathized and told him I was wrong and I was sorry. He walked off continuing to rant. He thought I was disrespecting him and as a result putting him in a bad position with the other renters in the facility.
Latter, he apologized and I was eager to forgive, actually I had already forgiven him. I explained what I was doing but this was not an excuse, only that I wanted him to know that I did respect his wishes. We are good friends. I’m excited to have him bitch at me again. As we work through these things and extend grace and aren’t defensive, it actually works for better understanding and care for one another.
Pick your battles. Do not abuse people.